Wicker-mania once more at Luton Hoo as Fortescue Bumperfield takes control and explaining the Indonesian origins of rice fields and baskets of piglets!

You may, or may not in some cases, remember Fortescue Bumperfield (a much vaunted kitchenware expert very much in the public eye and a very good friend), a man who helped us discover the infamous oven glove that, as of last night, now sits under a yew tree in the local park being urinally marked … Continue reading →

How rare-suffering men with an outlandish distaste of meat-consuming washer-women DO NOT deserve mustard in their eyes and celebrations all round as Abdul Bambang decides upon a new mother!

It has been known for sometime now that some, indeed many, people suffer from what can only be described as ‘lactose intolerance’. It is likely to be fact that, were I to gather a room full of, say, two-hundred-and-thirteen people, at least ninety-seven of them would stand under this unfortunate banner of ‘lactose intolerance’. I … Continue reading →

The sad truth of modern culture’s new mobile libraries which do not sell ice-cream and retrieving a book about herding (and also some tweezers) from the local sewers!

If truth be told I was awfully upset today when the mobile library passed by Wilson Street and not only did it’s driver-slash-librarian wear a rather unattractive knee-length bib in green but also they refused POINT BLANK TO make me up the ice-cream which I had requested. The ice-cream in question was a regular sized … Continue reading →

Accidentally foghorn-ing a nun rather than the bench people who deserve it and using a portable handheld garment steamer to create an atmosphere!

Today is the day that Thomas G. Putty (my manager and a very good friend), Mr Giles (a former trapeze artist and a very good friend) and myself decided to find our very best foghorns from amongst our dressers and chests and go and find people who LAZE ABOUT ALL day on park benches and … Continue reading →

Poor pub quiz etiquette nearly results in influenza, travelling to Holland in a kitchenware boat and deserved punishment for processed-cheese crimes!

Have you ever heard of a Viking named Graham Nesbitt? No, neither have I. I am fairly convinced that Hugh Bellow (a sometime-quizmaster and a man with no discernable chin or social benevolence) has duped us once again into finishing second in the fortnightly Wilson Street pub quiz of minds and wits. John Monkfish and … Continue reading →

Watching a three-legged pig break a foldable deckchair may be funny but it is also costly and how eating too many peanuts can drive you mad and eventually to murder!

It is quite an amazing experience, one would imagine, to see a man cook an edible curry using fresh ingredients in under three minutes, or perhaps witness a person of Haitian or Welsh or British Colombian origin become the single most important person upon the planet. Likewise, I felt this wave of incredible experience wash … Continue reading →

Wasting the tax-payers money with a statue of a milkshake, collecting spanners is probably better than collecting hat-pins and the shame of being sent kindling as a present!

There’s pandemonium afoot! That’s right, Wilson Street has gone crazy about milkshakes! Everybody and his Aunty is walking down the pavement with a smile on their face and a milkshake in their hand and there is naturally talk of BUILDING A GIANT sculpture of a milkshake in the nearby park.   I am sure everybody … Continue reading →

How is is a) good to learn about coffee and grinders and b) not good to lick the side of a tractor. Also, how we came about receiving a water boiler!

If you too have forgotten the aura that surrounds coffee beans and much which is connected to them then I would suggest a visit to the Pease Pottage Annual Coffee Bean, Coffee and Other Diuretics Convention which is held in the first weekend of September every year (since 1972). This weekend I have seen several … Continue reading →

Two possible-disease-carrying Barn Owls escape at an ancient historical Folkestone site and an unwanted accusation regarding the shipping of a man in a large plastic container to Belize!

After an incredibly enjoyable sandwich of silverside beef and a strong Scandanavian relish (which goes by a name I am oft inclined to forget) Thomas G. Putty (my manager and a very good friend), a fellow called Piotr Mulch (a Polish pocket-watch collector and a new assistant of Thomas’), Mr Giles (a former trapeze artist … Continue reading →

Amazing things to look at such as a man being pulled along in a kart by his dog and having one’s car held by the police in an egg-related incident!

Every single day I tell myself to notice at least one miraculous thing, whether it be a stone shaped like a postman’s hat or a child reciting the alphabet backwards in under fifteen seconds or a beaver with it’s teeth longer than it’s tail. Yesterday I noticed what an extraordinarily long tongue Fanny Tinkletoes has … Continue reading →